Lifelong Arsenal fan, but he's not OUR Gaffer

Sir Keir Starmer, the lifelong Arsenal fan, dreamed of being the Gaffer – but not at Emirates, rather in Downing Street. Both Starmer and Mikel Arteta lead high-profile squads, yet only one has crowds roaring in unison. Arteta’s Arsenal executes a clear game plan: dictating the press, exploiting weaknesses, dominating set-pieces, tweaking roles weekly, and inspiring collective sacrifice for silverware. Starmer’s Cabinet, by contrast, remains trapped in “trust the process,” reacting to headlines instead of owning the story and appears unable to articulate a reason to govern.

In both camps, you’ll find talents. Wes Streeting channels his inner Bukayo Saka’s inventions under pressure. Yvette Cooper reads policy like Martin Ødegaard reads defences. David Lammy mimics Viktor Gyökeres’s demand for respect, leaning on teammates for assists before claiming the laurels. Rachel Reeves feels like Ethan Nwaneri—touted for her adherence to the OBR, but absent when big-ticket outcomes matter. And Ed Miliband, beloved by the party membership, resembles Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang: style over substance, crusading ideology that leaves households shivering at dusk.

Arteta’s weekly routine is regarded by pundits and fans alike as a masterclass in leadership. He defines the shape of the contest before kick-off, assigns every player a measurable mission, hunts down opposition flaws, revises tactics at halftime, and paints a shared vision of triumph.

His squad knows exactly how success is judged—every cross, every pressing trap, every goal.

As with the Team Manager, the PM must shape the debate, define clear KPIs to ministers, recalibrate as the landscape changes, and paint the Government’s vivid narrative of national victory. Sir Stamer must know deep down that only when the locker-room—or rather his Downing Street—roars as loudly as the Emirates, will he have the right to ask the country to allow him the time and space to govern.

Starmer is no Arteta. Whilst Arteta turns performance into uproarious chants, Starmer leaves the electorate and even paid-up Labour members frustrated by weekly defeats, a cabinet buffeted by events, and an electorate devoid of any justification, lacking direction and collective resolve to overcome the massive challenges facing the UK today.

After a season, the scoresheet doesn't lie: Gaffer Starmer is in office but doesn’t know how to win. Gaffer Starmer enjoys the clothes and the trappings of being ‘The Gaffer’ but behaves as if the hard choices of governing are beneath his Islington lawyer pay grade. At a time when the international threats to our security and economy are the greatest for a generation, the Gaffer is absent. Absent from the tough, honest post-match analysis.  Absent Gaffer, whilst his Government balloons spending to over 44p in every pound in the economy. A Gaffer who fails to apologise for burning through £115 billion on debt interest payments. Gaffer Starmer doesn’t even seem to have the mettle to provide his attacking forces with the tools and capacity to take on a nuclear-armed adversary—that is growing increasingly frustrated and reckless after almost four years of war.

Perhaps the transfer window will provide the Labour Party with an opportunity to select an alternative Gaffer?